Swine flu is upon us. Its a pandemic 6 god dam it. Its all over the world! Quick get the vaccine asap before you and your family drop dead. Stay at home if your sick. Do not leave your house until a medical professional has given you the all clear or the lethal injection.
If you out in public or onto public transport think about wearing a clinical mask. It might protect you from all the cough spluttering dying infested people sat around you.
What ever you do make sure you call the hotline if you so much as fart, they will invariably diagnose you over the phone and send someone round in a delivery van with a pack of tamiflu, the number one leading bestselling anti flu drug. Purchased on mass for you by the government, see those guys do care after all your moaning.
Wait at home for the man with the golden pills to arrive. Don't panic, I know sitting there diagnosed with a virus that is killing people all over the world will be overwhelming. But these drugs are gonna save you! Or at least keep it at bay till the needles come out.
Better get that shot though. No hippy bullshit about elderberries being one of the most powerful anti-viral known to man and that its growing in our countryside on mass amongst a bag load more of free powerful flu killing berries. Forget that shit. Also remember that it could reach a point of no employment, benifits, passports, bank accounts, insurance etc unless your on the database as vaccinated. Safe. You don't want that hassle so just get jabbed up.
Don't forget the NHS is providing us with this great remedy, saving us and demonstrating the good service and efficient use of the taxpayers hard earnt. So keep paying them the money. Can't you see we need them. For gods sake we neeeeeeeed them. We might die in the streets clawing the shit out each other to survive were it not for the system that protects us and looks after us all.
I'm off to scrump some berries, found a couple of fields round my way overgrowing in the fuckers. Got my garden pruning clippers and a bucket. Wish me luck.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange
